


Wish I didn't need so much of you, I hate to say but I do

by SilverShadow1



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: A look inside of their friendship during the holidays that was alluded to, Developing Friendships, Fluff and Humor, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Light Angst, M/M, Monet's (13 Reasons Why (TV)), Post-Season/Series 03, Suicide Attempt (mention only), Winter Break, crestmont
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:35:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25056304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverShadow1/pseuds/SilverShadow1
Summary: Charlie wasn’t like the others and that’s what made him so great to spend time around. He was a great person to sit and admire what he’s like. He didn’t fit any one stereotype like most high schoolers.ORAn inside look at the days during winter break when Charlie, Alex and Tyler spent time together.
Relationships: Charlie St. George/Alex Standall
Comments: 36
Kudos: 106





	1. Alex's POV

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back with another, longer one-shot! I really enjoyed writing these snippets. Mostly because when they mentioned how the three of them spent "pretty much every day" together, it intrigued me. You can sort of see a closeness, but as usual the writers didn't really go the distance and they still seemed pretty unfamiliar with each other in season four. So, I tried to touch on that.
> 
> Title: "Defenceless" by Louis Tomlinson

“You don’t have to keep doing this,” muttered Tyler. “You can just … do whatever you want. You don’t need to feel obligated to keep me company.”

“Ty, you’re not some chore for me,” said Alex, looking earnestly at him. “You don’t have to apologize every time we hang out together.”

“Babysit.”

“What?”

“It’s babysitting,” said Tyler, dully. “I know that. I know the others are still apprehensive about me. Worried something will trigger me ever since we found out Monty’s dead.”

“It’s not like -” Alex paused. “That’s not what any of this is. Not for me. Okay?”

Tyler was silent for a moment, and then he nodded.

“Did you want to get something to eat? I could use some lunch.” Tyler nodded again.

“Sure.”

***

They were sitting at Monet’s when they heard a friendly voice.

“Hey Tyler. Alex.”

The pair looked up from their sandwiches and saw none other than a beaming Charlie St. George. Perpetually happy. That’s the description Alex would give if someone asked him to describe Charlie. Just a genuinely happy guy with a really good heart in a really shitty world that was bound to trample on it given the first opportunity.

Alex shook himself out of it. He was never good at separating his darks - both in laundry and in life. He offered what he hoped was a friendly smile.

“Hey Charles,” he said. “How are things?”

“They’re all right,” said Charlie, easily. “Either of you going away for the holidays?”

“Not me,” said Alex, and Tyler shook his head.

Just then, an older man came over holding two cups of coffee. Alex figured he must be Charlie’s father given the striking resemblance. He offered the boys a smile.

“Alex, Tyler, this is my father. Dad, these are some friends from school.”

“Hello, sir,” said Alex and Tyler in unison.

“Nice to meet you boys,” said Mr. St. George. He then turned to Charlie. “I’m sorry to run without warning, Charles, but I just got a call from one of the parents. An urgent meeting that I can’t miss. Can we take a raincheck?”

“Yeah, of course,” said Charlie. If Alex wasn’t paying close attention, he would miss the sudden droop at the sides of Charlie’s lips and the subtle disappointment in his eyes. It made him ache in an inexplicable way for the other boy.

Mr. St. George patted Charlie on the shoulder and with a nod to them, exited the shop. Charlie looked at the ground and then back at them. Alex offered a smile.

“My dad’s a cop. The sudden calls, the rainchecks … you never get used to it.”

Charlie smiled slightly, looking at his cup as he picked at its sides. What Charlie was anxious about with them, though, Alex couldn’t be sure.

“I should uh, get going,” Charlie stammered.

“Or you could join us?”

Alex turned to look at Tyler in surprise. The same thought of inviting Charlie occurred to him, but he wasn’t sure how comfortable Tyler would be with the sudden change. Then again, he reasoned, Charlie supported Tyler at the police station and that was no small feat given the severity of it all.

“I wouldn’t want to intrude -”

“You wouldn’t be,” assured Alex. Charlie looked at him. “Promise.”

A more genuine smile appeared on Charlie’s face.

“Thanks guys.”

***

That afternoon was the start of daily hang-outs for the three boys.

Most mornings started no earlier than 11 a.m. Although Tyler was an early riser, the other two valued their sleep too much - especially during winter break - and had no intention of wasting that opportunity. Once they woke up, Charlie would come and pick them up since he had a car - first he would collect Tyler and then they would come get Alex. From there, they would do just about anything.

It was a good system. Until one morning when his mother got other ideas.

“Come on in, boys!” she said, eagerly. “Have you had breakfast? Alex’s dad is home this morning, so we’re doing brunch. You’re welcome to stay!”

“Mom,” groaned Alex, but she just shushed him.

“We wouldn’t want to impose,” said Charlie, and Tyler hastily nodded.

What was it with this boy and his damn politeness?

“I’m pretty sure you’re like, the least imposing person in the world,” said Alex, drily. “Unless you’re on the football field.”

“Did someone say football?” Just then, Alex’s father entered the room. “When was someone going to tell me Liberty’s star QB Charlie St. George was in my house?”

Alex was almost positive the floor could swallow him whole in that moment.

“Nice to meet you, son,” said Bill Standall, shaking Charlie’s hand. “Good to see you again, Tyler.” Tyler offered him a smile and nod. “Are you boys going to join us?”

The two looked at Alex. His choice. Alex sighed.

“He makes fucking amazing bacon.”

The three guys laughed as Carolyn scolded her son for his language.

***

“Oh, God, Mom. Why?”

“Indulge me,” Carolyn said. “My baby is off to college next year. I’m allowed to get nostalgic.”

“Oh, my … God, Alex!” said Charlie, laughing. “You bleached your hair?!”

Alex collapsed into the sofa as the others laughed.

“I forgot you’re not in our year,” said Tyler with a grin. “Yeah, he had this whole thing going for him sophomore and the start of junior year. He had a septum piercing, too.”

“No!”

“Remind me when this became Alex’s character assassination day?” groaned Alex, but Charlie shook his head.

“I like it,” he grinned. “Very punk rock.”

“Right,” drawled Alex.

They kept turning the pages until Charlie let out a gasp.

“Oh, look at you as a little baby!”

Everyone cooed and Alex snatched the book out of Charlie’s grasp.

“Hey! We weren’t -”

“We’re done here, boys.”

***

Alex wasn’t entirely sure how he was roped into watching a rom-com at the Crestmont and yet, there he was doing just that.

Actually, no. He knew how. Fucking Charlie St. George and his damn puppy eyes. The three of them were bored one night and decided to see what was playing at the theater. Alex voted for a period piece - the only other option was horror and their lives these last few years were horrifying enough as far as he was concerned (the others agreed).

Charlie really wanted a rom-com, though. So, Alex caved and now he was living to regret it. For once, he wished it was a film with subtitles because it would mean that he could at least look away and not hear the tacky, sob-story dialogue about how the girl lost the boy because he wasn’t ready for a commitment.

He wasn’t convinced that was  _ ever _ the case. He  _ consistently _ saw it happen the other way around, but Hollywood rarely got it right anyway.

The girl was now screaming at her mother. Awful things. Things Alex knew if he said that he would never live to see the light of day, and rightfully so.

“ _I fucking hate you!_ _I wish you were dead!_ ”

Alex cringed, the words hitting too close when he considered all the people he once wished were out of his life and how too many of them followed through on that wish.

Suddenly, he felt shaking and turned to his left to see Charlie. Well, he couldn’t see him at first because it was a dark scene, but when there was a sudden flash, the boy’s face was illuminated and Alex saw tear tracks on his cheeks. But …

He also looked angry. Like, ready to walk out and leave angry. Alex couldn’t understand what changed in that split moment.

“Hey,” he whispered, low enough so Tyler couldn’t hear them. Charlie jumped and looked at him in surprise. “What’s up?”

Charlie blinked several times and looked like he wanted to say something, but he shook his head. Alex couldn’t accept that, though. He turned to Tyler.

“Hey, Ty,” he whispered. “Are you good if Charlie and I run to get more popcorn?”

“Yeah, man. Everything okay?” Alex nodded.

“Yeah, shouldn’t take long.”

He then turned back to Charlie and motioned for the other boy to lead the way to the exit. Begrudgingly, Charlie stood and hurried down the aisle so as not to prolong the disruption for the other viewers.

Just a genuinely good guy.

When they were outside under the harsh Crestmont lights, Alex surveyed him. If he was honest, Charlie looked in pretty bad shape at that moment. His face was flushed, tear tracks staining his face, and his lips looked raw from biting them.

Still, Alex thought, he looked good. Charlie was one of those stereotypical jocks who always managed to look good.

“What happened back there?” asked Alex. “And spare me the bullshit about you being the type of person who gets invested in movies because I know it’s more than that.”

“Do I look like that type of person?” said Charlie, with a smile. It didn’t reach his eyes.

“You’re deflecting,” said Alex, crossing his arms. He shifted uncomfortably on his leg, which Charlie immediately noticed.

“Are you -?”

“I’m fine,” he said, impatiently. “It does that when I sit for long periods or … stand for long periods. It’s a fucking mess, but we’re not talking about me right now.”

“What does it matter why I was upset, Alex?” asked Charlie, exhaustedly. “It’s just a film.”

“ _ I _ thought so,” said Alex. “A really fucking bad one, at that.” He saw Charlie’s lip twitch and counted that as a small victory. “It clearly bothered you, though, and you shouldn’t hold that shit in - trust me. If you tell me to fuck off, I’ll fuck off, but all that macho shit doesn’t impress me, for the record.”

Charlie shook his head and looked away.

“I’m like, the exact opposite of macho,” snorted Charlie. He then looked at Alex. “And I’d never tell you to fuck off. Especially not for caring.”

Alex felt his stomach swoop, but he ignored it. He must actually be hungry for some more popcorn. He waited to see if Charlie would say anything further.

“I just … didn’t like how she was speaking to her mother,” said Charlie, eventually. “Even if it wasn’t real, it wasn’t right. Her mother loves her and she’s lucky to have her.”

Charlie then clammed up, like he said too much, but all that he said only further confused Alex. Teenagers were assholes, they said terrible things to their parents, but at the end of the day, they almost never meant it. He said as much to Charlie.

“It doesn’t matter,” said Charlie, shaking his head. “What if it was the last thing that she said to her? What if that was their last conversation. No do-overs, no apologies. That’s life, isn’t it?”

Alex never imagined seeing this side of Charlie. He was passionate, but he was also incredibly sad. The boy who smiled more than anyone Alex knew and always offered cookies and a cheesy joke. It was a striking dichotomy.

“Yeah, I suppose it is life,” said Alex. He looked at Charlie hesitantly, and the other boy exhaled.

“We should probably head back inside,” said Charlie, and Alex nodded.

“Let me just grab some popcorn. Told Tyler that’s why we were going in the first place.”

Five minutes later, they were in their seats again when Alex felt a gentle touch on his arm. He resisted the involuntary urge to shiver.

“Hey,” whispered Charlie. Alex looked at him. “Thank you. For caring.”

Alex shrugged, mourning the loss of warmth when Charlie retracted his hand.

“Any time.”

***

Winter break was flying by and the boys were trying to make the most of every moment. The three of them just got some hot chocolate to-go from Monet’s and dropped Tyler at home. After waving goodbye and making plans to go to Caleb’s gym tomorrow, Charlie began driving Alex home. Alex had kicked his shoes off and one foot was perched under him on the seat as he held his cup with both hands to stay warm.

“Any big Christmas plans with your folks?” asked Alex, turning to face Charlie. He thought he saw something flicker across Charle’s face at his question, but figured it was the street lights causing shadows.

“Not really,” said Charlie. “Just Midnight Mass and then a quiet Christmas Day. Old-school WASP style.” Alex snorted. “What about you?”

“My brother Peter will be home,” said Alex. He took a sip of his drink, looking out the window. “From college, that is. So, that’ll make my parents happy.”

“And you? Will it make you happy?”

“Yeah,” said Alex, slowly. “We don’t have much in common - he’s a jock - but he’s a good guy. Always has my back even when I’m an asshole to him.” Alex hesitated, looking over toward Charlie whose eyes were fixed on the road. “Like you.”

Charlie was silent, seemingly soaking that admission in as they neared Alex’s house.

“You’re not an asshole,” said Charlie, and Alex scoffed. “You’re  _ not _ . You’re defensive as hell, but I reckon that you’ve earned that right more than most. You’re also a really good friend and I’m glad we started spending more time together.”

Charlie looked over at him momentarily before directing his gaze to the road. As he pulled into Alex’s driveway and stopped the car, Alex shifted so he was fully facing Charlie.

“You can stay the night if you’d like?” said Alex. “It’s pretty late and icy.”

“Are you sure?” Alex nodded.

“It’d put my mind at ease.”

Charlie smiled sweetly at him and took out his phone, Alex assumed to text his parents. When he put it away, the two unbuckled and they hurried into the warmth of the house.

***

“I never used to be so defensive.”

It was midnight and the pair were lying in the dark, Alex on his bed and Charlie on a spare inflatable mattress. Although Charlie remained silent, Alex knew he was awake.

“After Hannah … after my TBI … it just became natural, I suppose. Anger and defensiveness is second nature at this point.”

“I get it,” said Charlie. “I mean, I don’t  _ get _ it since I didn’t experience anything like it, but I hope you don’t feel, I don’t know, obligated to justify how you feel to me. I’m always glad to listen, though.”

Alex sat up and the noise must’ve cued Charlie because he sat up as well.

“How much do you know? About my TBI?”

“Your -?”

“Traumatic brain injury,” Alex clarified. “My suicide attempt.”

“Nothing.” Charlie’s eyes must’ve adjusted to the darkness and seen Alex’s disbelief, adding, “I don’t count gossip as knowing, Alex. Guys like Monty … talked, but I don’t believe for a second that what they said was your experience.”

Alex fiddled with a loose strand on his comforter.

“It was … an awful time,” said Alex. “After we all heard those tapes, after we learned our role and how much our decisions affected everyone else … it was too much. Knowing that I could have stopped Bryce. That Monty and I were in that pool house within earshot …”

“It was my father’s gun,” he whispered. “I know he hasn’t forgiven himself for that and it kills me because I would’ve found a way even if he didn’t have one. When you reach that breaking point, the point of no-return … it almost doesn’t matter how it’s done. I’ve never told anyone, but … I considered doing it in Bryce’s pool. I let the guys think I was messing around when I let myself fall into it fully clothed. But …”

Alex paused, suddenly hearing a sniff. Then he heard a shuddering breath.

“Shit, Charlie.” He immediately slid to the end of his bed and lowered himself next to the mattress. “Charles, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean -”

Charlie shook his head.

“No, I-I’m sorry,” said Charlie. “The guys are always saying I’m too sensitive.”

“Charles,” said Alex, seriously. “This isn’t like getting upset over a bad tackle or a twisted ankle. This shit is dark and I’m so used to thinking about it that I forget how it is for others to hear it.”

“I don’t want you to think about it,” said Charlie. “Alone, I mean. I want to be there to listen.”

“Not at the expense of your own health.”

“I promise, I’m … I’m okay. I’ll be okay. So will you.”

The jury was still out on that last part as far as Alex was concerned, but he nodded and, to his own surprise, hugged the other boy. After a momentary bout of hesitance, he felt Charlie’s arms wrap around his waist and Alex smiled.

“You give good hugs,” said Alex before he could second-guess it, and Charlie chuckled.

“It’s a gift.”

***

After that night, Alex felt he sort of owed Charlie. A way to repay him for his kindness and constant support. So, when Charlie said that he needed to practice his fitness with some of the football players, Alex and Tyler tagged along despite the former having a strong loathing for the sport.

Right now they were doing burpees and Alex watched in disbelief as Charlie didn’t even look winded. Beside him, Tyler was snapping shot after shot, and when Alex looked at a close-up of Charlie, he raised his eyebrows impressed.

“I knew you were good,” said Alex, “but you’re really good if you’re able make anyone doing that with their body look flattering.”

Tyler smiled slightly and shook his head.

“It helps when you’ve got a good subject. It doesn’t matter the situation; Charlie radiates something bright that the camera can’t miss.”

And, Alex supposed, he was right about that. He watched, fixated, as Charlie gave a pep talk to the others. It was a million fucking degrees in that gym and some of them looked about ready to pass out, but he managed to get them all hyped. Charlie made them that way with a soft smile and words of encouragement.

“Dude’s really strong,” remarked Tyler. Someone clearly challenged Charlie to something and the next thing they saw, Charlie was doing a handstand and everyone around him was guffawing and whooping like it was the best thing they witnessed. “Like, Luke and Diego … they look the part, but Charlie …”

He trailed off, but Alex understood. He wasn’t like the others and that’s what made Charlie so great to spend time around. He was a great person to sit and admire what he’s like. He didn’t fit any one stereotype like most high schoolers. It was like … everyone else was a puppet, except for him. It was refreshing, but it was also intimidating as hell. It made you want to be someone that was worthy of Charlie’s time and attention.

As far as Alex was concerned, he wasn’t that person. He never would be that person.

He was Charlie’s friend on borrowed time.

***

“This is a stupid game,” snorted Alex, and Charlie pouted.

“You don’t think it’s stupid, do you Tyler?”

Tyler looked between the two boys with a raised eyebrow.

“Truth or dare alone? Not inherently,” he said. “ _ Drinking _ truth or dare? 100 percent.”

“It gives you the opt out option!” Charlie protested. “Take a swig if you don’t want to do it.”

Alex and Tyler exchanged an exasperated, though partially amused look. Alex then looked back at Charlie.

“Truth or dare, Charles?”

Charlie grinned like an eager child.

“Dare!”

***

“Truth or dare?” slurred Charlie.

It was less than 45 minutes later. Tyler was fast asleep on Alex’s floor while the other two giggled while playing what Alex was correct in saying was a stupid game. They might as well be in grade school at their first slumber party.

“Uh, dare?”

“Text …” Charlie giggled. “T-Text a pic of your junk to your seventh contact.”

Alex snorted.

“I’m absolutely not doing that,” he said, taking a swig. Charlie tried to muffle his laughter in his sleeve. “Truth or dare?”

“T-Truth,” Charlie hiccuped.

“Who’s the last person you said you loved?”

Charlie’s face drooped, which made Alex almost immediately regret asking the question.

“I’m … you don’t have to answer that … or drink. I’m sorry -”

Charlie shook his head.

“My mom, I guess,” he said. He fell silent. “It’s a minute since I’ve said it to anyone … I didn’t realize.” Charlie then exhaled. “How about you?”

Alex looked out the window in contemplation.

“Maybe Jess?” he said. It came out as more of a question even though he knew it was most likely her. “Yeah, probably Jess.”

“Is it weird?” asked Charlie. “Still being friends after you two …?”

“It has its moments,” said Alex. “It helps when the world feels like it’s ending. It fills the awkward silences. It also helps when fucking Justin isn’t around. Sorry,” he said as an afterthought. “I know you’re friends with him.”

“I’m friends with you, too,” Charlie pointed out. “Right?”

There that was again. The nagging reminder that sooner or later, Charlie would trade up because the holiday break would end and all of his friends would be around town again.

“Yeah,” said Alex, lowly. He looked at Tyler’s sleeping form and then back at Charlie. “We should probably call it, yeah?”

Charlie nodded and as they lie in their respective beds 15 minutes later, Alex can’t help but wonder for the umpteenth time what life will be like when they start their next (and in his case final) semester of high school. What will come of his friendship with Charlie as they re-enter the world of cliques and social status? It’s not something he wants to think about, but he knows he has to prepare himself for the inevitable. The best people in life are fleeting and there’s one simple truth.

Charlie is one of those people.


	2. Charlie's POV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Winter break went by faster than Charlie would have liked. Let's take a look at the memories he made along the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I'd like to apologize for the delay - I was writing a lot and then got busy with work and also had slight fic burnout where I couldn't get motivated to proofread the second chapter and get it uploaded. I'm so glad you all liked the last chapter, though, and your support and eagerness to read Charlie's POV means so much to me!
> 
> I hope I did it justice!

Most kids Charlie’s age wanted to be an only child.

Well, he wasn’t sure if that was true, but he certainly heard it enough. From his peers, online, the guys on the football team - everyone said it at some point.

“ _ You’re so lucky! My parents could never afford that for me and my siblings _ !” “ _ Damn, I wish I didn’t have a younger brother - I have to babysit this weekend _ .” “ _ Ugh, last Christmas I got  _ another _ hand-me down _ .”

Charlie knew that he was fortunate. His life was more than comfortable. He was extremely privileged in more ways than most.

Still, it got lonely.

He wasn’t one to talk about it, though. After his mother passed away almost four years ago, he kept those emotions close to his chest. Sure, he got emotional and most people considered him sensitive by nature, but it wasn’t about anything  _ real _ . Not anything that people would pity him for if they knew it.

He knew it, though. He knew the lonely nights when his father worked late at meetings. He lived through the holidays and birthdays where they would smile, but his dad didn’t want to talk about his mom for fear that it would ‘stir up bad memories.’ The thing was, those memories were all Charlie still had of her.

So yeah, it got lonely, especially around times like these when Christmas is near. That was why Charlie was surprised when his father suggested they go to Monet’s to get a coffee and catch up on his junior year fall semester.

He didn’t expect to run into anyone, figuring most people left town or they were home with their families. He certainly didn’t expect to see Alex Standall and Tyler Down.

Alex Standall. The thought of the boy brought an inexplicable smile to Charlie’s face. He was … something special; Charlie knew that much. Their prior interactions were limited, the biggest one involving him helping Alex’s friend group frame Monty for Bryce’s death. That sort of high school thing, you know?

Alex Standall, though. Charlie wouldn’t mind getting to know him better. He seemed kind, even though there was a defensive exterior. He seemed to always be there for Tyler, and that’s more than could be said for many people based on Charlie’s previous observations.

So, when Alex assured him that it was no inconvenience for Charlie to join the duo after his father decided to up-and-leave like usual, Charlie wasn’t surprised. He felt warm and he felt certain that his instincts were correct like they often were about these things.

Alex was a sweet, kind person.

***

Charlie cherished the time he spent with Alex and Tyler during winter break in a way that was different than any previous free time spent with friends. He didn’t feel like he needed to put on airs around them. Sure, he still had his external, confident personality that, like anyone else, didn’t always match his actual mood, but they were … there.

They listened during the late night sleepovers when they all shared what was on their minds. They understood when Charlie spoke about loving the football team, but not always loving what it represented. During the rare moments when he got quiet and introspective, they didn’t force anything out of him. They sat and reflected with him.

One of those times was after they ate brunch with the Standalls. Charlie loved meeting Alex’s parents, and his baby photos? Absolutely adorable. Alex looked like the happiest child, and he understood why it made his mother nostalgic. He couldn’t imagine what the last few years were like for them or what it felt like to know their son would be headed to college God knows where in a matter of months.

Seeing Alex’s family, as happy as it made him to know the boy was surrounded by such love, made him long for his once happy family. It made him miss his mother so much and remember how many moments she already missed and would continue to miss in his life. Moments she always said that she couldn’t wait for him to experience and that she and his father should’ve experienced together alongside him.

“Hey,” said Alex. The three of them were at Caleb’s gym and Alex was spotting him. “Are you good? You need to breathe.”

Charlie exhaled, securing the bar back in place and putting his hands on his knees. He nodded and stood up to head over to the treadmill, aware that Alex followed him.

“I know we kind of have some unspoken rule to not pry into each other’s lives,” continued Alex while Charlie wiped his face. “But … talking sometimes works? Not in my personal experience, but so I’m told.”

“So, let me get this straight,” said Charlie, with a chuckle. “I’m supposed to spill my guts, but you’re good to keep things under lock and key?”

Alex shrugged and Charlie just laughed again before setting the treadmill on an incline.

“I appreciate it, Alex,” he said as the track started rolling. “I’m good, though.” He offered the boy a smile and though Alex didn’t look convinced, he left it alone.

Still, Charlie thought as he focused on his form, Alex cared. That alone made him feel a certain type of way, even though he couldn’t pinpoint just what that way was right now.

***

That feeling became more clear when they went to the Crestmont.

He knew his power of persuasion was strong. Alex made it perfectly clear that he finds rom-coms tacky, but his puppy eyes did the trick. He loved a good rom-com and wanted to share his love for it and convince the other boy that it was worth it.

Unfortunately, he quickly realized he chose the wrong film to do that.

The leading actors lacked chemistry, the dialogue was mediocre at best, and he wished that he listened to Alex’s period piece request. At least then he wouldn’t feel like he was wasting not only two and a half hours of his life, but also that of his friends.

Then it got worse.

“ _I fucking hate you!_ _I wish you were dead_!”

Those words sent Charlie spiraling and took him to a dark place he typically avoided. He could feel himself shaking and tasted the saltiness of his tears, but he was  _ angry _ . That’s the part that terrified him most. He could deal with sadness. Sure, he smiled often, but he felt sad like everyone else. He grieved every day, even on the good days.

The anger, though, burned white hot inside of him. Why would anyone talk to their parents like that? Why would anyone write a movie showing that like it was justifiable? Like the girl was in any way right?

He told as much to Alex when the older boy practically dragged him out of the theater. He couldn’t tell him the more nuanced reason he was upset. He couldn’t tell Alex that he’d do anything for one last talk with his mother, for one last cuddle to make up for all the times that she wanted one, but he was “too busy.”

He wasn’t ready to be  _ that kid _ who lost a parent and still tried to hold it together because in many ways, it felt as though he lost both of his parents the moment his mother’s grip slackened that Tuesday morning. The moment the hospice workers informed Charlie and his father that she was gone.

Honestly, he knew if he did tell anyone, though, it would be Alex. Alex may not fully understand, but Charlie was sure part of him would. He experienced a form of loss.

Still, Charlie wasn’t ready. So that’s why he kept it purposefully vague when Alex took him aside, despite how much the action alone made his heart race a little faster. How it made Charlie want to open up to Alex in a way that he never wanted to before with anyone else.

It was when they returned to the terrible film after he thanked Alex that the feeling was much more clear to Charlie.

He was crushing on Alex Standall.

***

Charlie didn’t expect much of a shift once he realized the extent of his feelings for Alex. So, for that reason, there wasn’t one.

Charlie was already aware of his feelings toward other guys. It took him a while to find his label, mostly because for the longest time, and still today, “gay” and “straight” were by far the most readily known labels, but he knew they didn’t fit for him.

When he learned the bisexual definition, it just fit. Like he always had the corner puzzle pieces, but he needed a little help finding the middle pieces that gave him the full picture.

So, when Alex looked at him for a little longer or said something in a way he hoped meant more, he got hopeful. Perhaps too hopeful because he wasn’t sure where the other boy’s sexuality stood, only knowing that he dated Jessica on-and-off before she ended things.

It was also why his heart skipped a beat when Alex invited him to stay one night when he drove him home. Charlie was admittedly a bit wrapped up in his head after Alex asked him about his Christmas plans - considering how tough the holidays were for him - but when he said that Charlie avoiding the icy roads would “put my mind at ease,” Charlie knew he was gone for him.

Then, Alex opened up to him.

And fuck, Charlie didn’t want to cry. He didn’t even realize at first he was crying because he was trying to stay present for Alex. To hear his story that Alex deserved to tell without any preconceived biases that the Liberty jocks inserted into it. He did cry, though, and Alex immediately comforted him.

Then, Alex hugged him.

The hug was incredible. Alex’s frame was smaller than his own and the boy fit perfectly in his arms. Charlie wished that they could stay like that and he could always have reasons to hug Alex. Not even to comfort him, but in the relaxed moments, too. It just felt so  _ right _ .

Alex felt so right.

***

Charlie looked at his phone screen with apprehension.

To be honest, he wasn’t sure where to start. When he Googled the term “TBI”, it yielded over 50 million results, as well as countless facts from the CDC and so many medical journals devoted to the topic.

One word stood out to him, though.

Common.

Apparently, there were more than 200,000 cases in the United States per year. That was … unfathomable. Charlie was aware that Alex wasn’t alone in his diagnosis, but the fact that it was so common startled him. He was actually a much more likely candidate for it than Alex - he played an intense contact sport. He’s gotten knocked around his fair share of times, but he was fortunate it was never so severe to cause any long-term damage.

Charlie clicked on one link and waited for the page to load. When it did, he scrolled for a while and then bit his lip.

There were so many physical complications, which he figured would be part of it. Anything from headaches and vertigo to fluid build-up in the brain and seizures. Honestly, the more that he read, the more he was amazed by Alex’s recovery. Charlie didn’t know the boy during the early stages, but he knew Zach helped Alex with his physical therapy.

He wanted to help him, too. As they spent more time together, he wanted to be useful and know the signs in the event that Alex needed him.

Hallucinations, disorientation, and agitation.

_ Okay _ , Charlie thought. He could work with that. It was a start. Granted, they were all agitated on a good day, but the fact that these side-effects were brought on by extreme stress was worth noting. They were high schoolers, and it was  _ them _ , so they were often stressed. While he doubted he would encounter the hallucinations scenario, it couldn’t hurt to keep in mind.

Charlie continued like that for another several hours until he heard someone clear their throat. He looked up and he saw his father standing in front of him.

“Hi Dad,” he said, locking his phone. He tossed it on the cushion beside him.

“What did we say about phone use at night?” his father said in lieu of a greeting.

“I know, but I finished my work earlier.” His father nodded. Then he raised an eyebrow.

“Texting someone from the team? Texting a girl?”

Charlie almost scoffed, but held it in at the last minute. Girls couldn’t be farther from his mind these days, and he was quite fine with that.

“Just doing some research.”

“I thought you were -?”

“It’s not for classes,” he interjected. “It’s about a friend … it’s  _ for _ a friend.”

His father sat down and he realized he wouldn’t be getting away with short or evasive answers. It was turning into a conversation.

“Is it one of the boys that you’ve spent most of your break around?” Charlie looked at him, his eyes inquisitive. “The ones that you introduced me to at Monet’s?”

Charlie deliberated for a moment, but decided he stood nothing to gain by lying about it.

“Yeah,” he said. “It’s for Alex.”

“Standall, right?” Charlie hummed. “I’ve spoken to his dad, Bill, a few times. Good man.”

Charlie hummed in agreement and resisted the urge to squirm under his father’s watchful gaze. He wasn’t sure what he was worried about his father knowing: what he was on his phone researching or the genuine reason  _ why _ he was researching it.

“He’s experienced some pretty serious trauma,” said his father. “Does he talk about it?”

“Not often,” said Charlie. “And only because he trusts his friends won’t repeat it.”

“I’d never ask you to tell me that, Charles,” said his father, “but if he’s thinking about -”

“He’s not,” said Charlie, sharply. “I was just … looking up more about it. About TBIs. So that way if something triggers it, I can help my friend.”

His father was silent for a beat.

“You’re a good boy, Charles,” he said. “And you’re on your way to becoming a good man.”

“But?”

“No but,” said his father. “Just keep in mind that you’re both still young and supporting a friend at that age can be overwhelming. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be knowledgeable and there for them, but it means you need to learn when it’s appropriate to ask for help. Hopefully, we as parents have taught you boys that lesson somewhere along the way.”

“You did,” said Charlie, earnestly. “I promise.”

His father nodded, patting him on the shoulder. Then he stood up.

“I was thinking of ordering some pizza. Thoughts?”

Charlie’s lip lifted on the side.

“I’ll do you one better - I’ll make pizza from scratch.”

“You sure didn’t get your cooking abilities from me.”

“No,” laughed Charlie, standing and swinging an arm over his father’s shoulders. “No, I didn’t.”

***

Charlie could feel Alex’s intense gaze on him and if he was honest, he loved it.

He needed to work out with the team and when he asked Alex and Tyler if they’d join him at the gym, he was honestly surprised they agreed.

More so, Alex. The three of them worked out together, but Alex steered clear of the team. Charlie understood why, too. Sure, it wasn’t made up entirely of Bryces and Montys, but they were once close to them. Himself, included. He knew that like himself, many of the guys lived to regret those past relationships.

Alex was watching, though, and it made him eager to perform. Put on a show. And not just because Tyler was also clearly snapping shots.

So, maybe it made him do some extra burpees, but who could say for sure?

“Hey, St. George,” said Diego, going to him when Charlie stood, clapping him on the shoulder. “What, did you bring your own cheerleaders?”

A few of the other guys snickered, but Charlie gave Diego a look.

“They’re my friends, man, and it’s an open gym.” Diego raised his hands in defense.

“Just surprised, is all. Didn’t know you were that close with that crew.”

“We’ve hung out more over the break,” he said, shrugging. “They’re good guys.”

He turned to get the rest of the team’s attention.

“We should all surround ourselves with good people,” Charlie continued. “If the last year has shown us anything, it’s that we have to be better. Otherwise, we can’t expect others to respect us. That’s not given, it’s earned.”

Several of the guys nodded, though there were stoic faces, including Diego. Charlie knew Monty getting accused of murder rattled them, but he couldn’t worry about that right now.

“I don’t plan to stand here pontificating all day,” he said. “So, I want you to hear me now. Who are we?”

“Tigers!”

“I said, who are we?”

“TIGERS!” the team shouted, grins on their faces.

Then, because he could and he really wanted to show off to Alex, damn it, he went into position for a handstand. He grinned as he heard whooping and hollering from the guys.

When he finally landed on his feet again, though, he looked at Alex. The senior didn’t look upset or angry, but he looked … troubled? Maybe even a tad pensive.

He smiled slightly and nodded, and he was relieved when it was returned.

Strange.

***

Alex was right. Truth or dare was a stupid game. Even more stupid when alcohol was involved. If Charlie was honest, it was just an excuse to lower his own inhibitions and maybe get a feel about whether Alex liked him as anything more than friends.

Which is why he dared Alex to sext someone on his phone. Even though he was no longer sober, he doubted the boy would do it and knew that it didn’t prove anything because one, Alex wasn’t that kind of guy and two, they knew how fast a photo can spread, but still - he wanted to gauge his response.

Then, the mood shifted.

When Alex asked who the last person he told he loved them was, Charlie froze. He loved plenty of people in his life … so why can’t he remember when he last said it?

Then it felt like someone dumped ice water on him. The last person he said it to was his mom. The more Charlie analyzed it, the more it made sense to him even in his inebriated state. That was the last time he felt confident saying it. After she was gone, there was a fear of saying it and ever getting that attached … except again, it hardly seemed right because he knew that he loved people.

Was knowing it and saying it different?

He couldn’t stand Alex apologizing, so he gave him a truthful answer, although as far as Alex knew, he could’ve said it to his mother yesterday.

So, instead of dwelling on it, he turned it on Alex. He didn’t totally love hearing about how Alex was once in love with Jessica, but he understood that it was part of Alex’s past. How much in the past, he couldn’t be certain. He hoped those feelings were gone for good. If there were still feelings … well, then that was it for Charlie in terms of hoping for more.

As they laid in bed less than 20 minutes later, though, Charlie couldn’t stop his mind from wandering everywhere. Break was almost done. That meant school and cliques were close again. Charlie liked to believe he didn’t subscribe to that high school bullshit and puppetry, but he was worried things would change for them. That Alex would go back to spending time with Zach and Tyler, and he’d be roped into spending his free time with the football players.

It didn’t have to be like that, though. He could make a choice and not be a coward. He even knew most of the guys wouldn’t blink twice.

The question was, does Alex care that much?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are much appreciated! I'm considering a third part that takes a look into post-winter break and it has them addressing "what went wrong" so-to-speak. Basically a look into why they said they hung out pretty much every day, but then in canon looked like uncomfortable acquaintances at best.
> 
> If you'd like that, let me know!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I mean us three, we've been hanging out like every night."
> 
> What did Charlie mean when he said that, and why did he and Alex seem like perfect strangers (acquaintances, at best) throughout the start of season 4? The final chapter of the story shows both of their POVs as they navigate returning to Liberty and what all of their self-imposed expectations mean for their developing relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few house-keeping notes:
> 
> 1) There are parts taken from the show - I obviously don't take ownership of that dialogue. I lifted parts from Justin's welcome home party, the "Future Fair" fight, the rooftop kiss, the "Find Your Drink" scenes. However, in the second and fourth, I inserted personal interpretations into it based on the POV.
> 
> 2) The last section (and part of the beginning of the "Find Your Drink" scene) draws on a fic I've written for them (where Charlie and Alex talk late at night on the camping trip). I've tried to work my stories so they all exist within the same universe. You don't really need to read the other fic to understand, but if you're confused by a reference that you don't remember in the show, then it might help.

_ “Alex, you know Tyler wouldn’t want to hurt you, right? Or any of us,” said Charlie. _

_ “With all due respect,” interjected Tony, “you don’t know him well enough to say that.” _

_ “Actually, I feel like I do,” said Charlie, sharply. “I mean us three, we've been hanging out like every night. He’s our friend.” _

_ “I believe Tyler.” _

***

Alex sat in silence on the ride home, replaying the “welcome home party” in his mind. It was a party like most of theirs went - short-lived and starting with the best of intentions.

It didn’t last that way for long, though. It was awkward from the beginning with Zach showing up drunk to a dry party, Clay and Ani clearly co-conspiring in the corner until Tony called them on it, and Jessica trying far too hard to make everything perfect. Like they were all spending time with each other over the break and things weren’t tense.

That was only the tip of the iceberg, though. As Christmas approached, things were getting weirder with Charlie.

Ever since they played the drunk truth or dare at his house, it felt strange. Like they were holding their breaths because school would resume soon and they would invariably revert back to their school personas. Alex would start spending time with Zach again and Charlie would spend whatever free time he had with the football team. A world Alex would never be a part of, nor did he want to be in any way. Sure, Charlie could fit into his world and Alex more than wanted him to be part of it, but does Charlie want that?

Alex doubted it.

They were a friendship of convenience. Not in the sense that he felt Charlie was a social climber or only hung out with him because he was available. Charlie could surely call up any number of people … but part of Alex couldn’t help but feel like Charlie felt obligated. Like Alex did him some favor inviting him to hang out that first day and now he was stuck and it was easier for Charlie to spend time with him rather than admit the truth.

So, it was these thoughts that also made that night tense. They were hanging out earlier and Charlie offered to pick him up to go to Clay and Justin’s house. It seemed practical, but as soon as they arrived and sat with Tony and Jessica, it was weird. Weird because Jessica was strung out and Tony kept shooting them glances when he thought no one noticed. Alex did notice, though. He was sure Tony wondered the same thing everyone else did that night:

When did these two get so close?

It didn’t help that Charlie was just … so nice. It was as though he sensed Alex was uncomfortable and stuck by his side, offering him cookies and jokes whenever one popped into his head. Alex would shake his head and try not to smile, but it helped. However, it didn’t help that they were relegated to Clay’s bed or when Charlie came bearing cake. It was those little things that made Alex feel a certain way that wasn’t common. At least, not since he dated Jessica. Maybe not then because more than anything, he felt cared for by Charlie.

And that scared the shit out of him.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

He glanced over at Charlie, whose eyes were trained on the road. Alex watched as the street lights danced over his skin, making him glow and casting shadows that made his stomach churn with anxiety.

“Just … thinking about tonight,” he finally replied. “It was intense.”

“It was,” Charlie agreed. “Anything in particular weighing on you?”

Yeah, but not the parts that should weigh the most. No, instead of thinking about Tyler and the distinct possibility that they could all get exposed for his crime, what weighed the most on Alex’s mind was what Charlie said … or rather, what he didn’t say.

_ We've been hanging out like every night _ .

Alex found himself unable to make eye contact with Charlie as the younger boy tried to convince him that Tyler wouldn’t sell him out to the police. It wasn’t that he didn’t believe Charlie. Like he said, he trusted Tyler. Still, how was he supposed to act around Charlie? More importantly, why was Charlie making it seem like they just hung out some nights and not like they spent most hours of the day together? There were days when the three of them literally  _ only _ saw each other. They barely saw their families. They’d stay up into the morning talking about shit and how they couldn’t wait for Liberty to be behind them.

So, why did Charlie downplay that? It wasn’t exactly a question he could ask Charlie. He probably said it without any thought. Besides, Alex shouldn’t care - it was obvious their friendship days were numbered. Tonight confirmed it. They weren’t the type who could exist as long-term friends.

“Alex?” said Charlie, glancing over at him with concern. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry,” he said, quickly. “Uh - no, nothing really in particular. Just thinking about school, I guess. It’s going to be weird working again and not just hanging out all day.”

Fuck, he’s saying too much. Shit.

“I know,” said Charlie, smiling sadly. “I’m going to miss it.”

_ The lack of work. He just means he’s going to miss the lack of work. Not you, you idiot _ .

“Do you think things will go back to the way they were before the holidays?” asked Alex before he could censor himself.

“How do you mean?”

Alex swallowed.

“You know … with friends. Expectations. All the high school bullshit.”

Alex held his breath while he waited for Charlie’s response. Finally, the boy said:

“I hate to say, but I do.”

Alex’s heart sunk. He felt himself deflate into the seat and was silent for the remainder of the ride until Charlie pulled into his driveway. Alex then unbuckled as soon as the car was parked and quickly looked at Charlie. During those last few minutes, he made a decision.

“Merry Christmas, Charles. Have a good New Year.”

He watched as Charlie blinked, absorbing the implication of Alex’s words. Alex wasn’t sure if there was a flash of hurt in Charlie’s eyes because if there was, it disappeared before Alex could truly register it. Then Charlie replied:

“Merry Christmas, Alex. See you at school.”

As Alex got out and fumbled with his keys at the door, he waited to hear the engine come to life. He paused, waiting to hear Charlie’s wheels crunch over the pavement.

It didn’t come.

Finally, he unlocked the door and walked inside, and he peered through the glass beside the door frame. It was then that Charlie’s headlights came on again as he reversed down Alex’s driveway. It then hit Alex like a ton of bricks that Charlie waited to make sure that Alex safely got into his house.

He sat on the foot of the staircase and put his head in his hands.

As if that realization didn’t make him feel a thousand times worse.

***

_ Why did he say that _ ?

Charlie replayed the entire night in his head on the drive home and then as he got ready for bed in his eerily silent house. There were two moments in particular that stood out to him as massive mistakes. The first, when he underplayed how often he and Alex spent time together during the break. The second, when Alex posed the question in the car.

The first one was so stupid. It wasn’t even intentional. He could tell throughout the night that Alex was uncomfortable around their friends. The only one that they spent any time with over the break was Tyler, and he was off stewing on Justin’s bed until Charlie took him home. That car ride was almost as quiet as the one he took later with Alex. The rest of the night, though, Charlie did his best to make Alex smile, and at times he thought he was successful, but Alex was holding back.

Something shifted, but Charlie wasn’t sure why or when it happened.

Then, when he got back from bringing Tyler home, Alex had moved from Clay’s bed to the table. That was a mild disappointment. It felt as though he and Alex were left alone in their own world on the bed, and he wanted nothing more to be close to the other boy, as much as he was likely to get hurt from it in the end.

Alex was even further withdrawn, though. More so when they started discussing which of them were accessories after-the-fact. Alex wouldn’t even look him in the eye when Charlie asked if he realized Tyler wouldn’t tell the police anything. Then, he said:

_ We've been hanging out like every night _ .

Alone, it wasn’t a bad statement. It was true, they were hanging out most nights. And most days. And most afternoons and so on. It wasn’t the most accurate. Maybe the wording he chose was subconscious - he couldn’t know for sure. What he did know, though, was how Alex was staring straight ahead and wouldn’t look at him. Charlie absolutely hated that and it broke his heart.

Still, he figured, it was a rough night for everyone. Maybe it wasn’t him, but the situation. The ride home was excruciatingly silent, though, and it wasn’t their comfortable silence that Charlie enjoyed. No, it was thick with unspoken words and self-doubt, and suddenly Charlie wondered if comfortable silence was actually overrated.

So he spoke, and he almost immediately regretted it. Alex was clearly closed off to him and … well, he wasn’t sure how to fix it. Then Alex asked the one question that weighed heavily on Charlie’s mind since their sleepover and he realized that Alex was also worried about what their dynamic would look like once they returned to school.

That’s when he said the truth, and while part of him wished he hadn’t because of what happened next, the thought of lying to Alex was unfathomable.

_ “Do you think things will go back to the way they were before the holidays?” _

_ “How do you mean?” _

_ “You know … with friends. Expectations. All the high school bullshit.” _

_ Charlie felt his heart pounding in his ears as he tried to focus on the dark streets. He wished they had this conversation in any other setting where he could look at Alex to judge his demeanor. Maybe if he did, he would have chosen his words better. _

_ “I hate to say, but I do.” _

Charlie would often pride himself on his ability to read a situation, but it was double sided in these circumstances. Not only did he fail to read the room beforehand, he was granted the cruel irony of understanding the mistake that he made after the words left his mouth.

For that reason, he shouldn’t have felt so blindsided by what came next when he parked his car. Maybe he should, though, because the sentence seemed disproportionate to the “crime.” Unless it was Alex’s own method of self-preservation.

“ _ Merry Christmas, Charles. Have a good New Year _ .”

Charlie couldn’t say for sure. To be honest, he couldn’t form the thought to confront Alex on it and doubted he would have even had the nerve to ask if the words did come to him. Alex’s words were so final. Like the pair of them were a “summer love,” as ridiculous as that sounded even as he thought it while lying in the dark. They didn’t even really have a proper chance to drift apart once the year started, and that almost killed him more since Alex didn’t seem to want to give the friendship a fighting chance.

So, he said all that he knew how as his heart broke into what felt like a million pieces. He wished Alex the same, and he waited as the boy got safely into his house. All the while, he thought about how for the first time that year, he thought Christmas would be tough, but it would also be a little more bearable. Even if they couldn’t spend as much time in town because shops would be closed and Alex would surely have traditions with his family, they could still talk at least. Maybe get coffee or work out in that comfortable silence Charlie once thought worked for them.

Admittedly, the silence seemed to be what divided them the most.

***

Charlie’s fuse was short these days and he was the first to admit it.

Now that they were back in school, he found himself back where he was last winter and he hated it. It was like putting on your old clothes and sure, they still fit, but the person who you were when you bought them was different than the person you are now.

He liked the person he was over winter break when he spent time with Alex. He wanted to always be that guy. Not just in convenient moments like he clearly made Alex think. He didn’t want to be a high school puppet.

So, when he saw the football guys - namely Diego and Luke - hassling Estella, Charlie was done. She didn’t deserve it and it once again made him wonder why he effectively chose the football team over someone sweet and kind like Alex Standall.

“No, you’ve got to wear it now,” insisted Diego. “It’s for today.”

“Come on, guys,” Charlie interjected. He could sense Estella’s relief at his arrival. “She doesn’t want to wear it.”

“Of course she wants to wear it,” snapped Diego. “It’s her brother. Unlike you, she’s sad that he’s dead.”

“Yeah, I’m sure she is,” said Charlie, trying to keep his composure. It wouldn’t help Estella if he lost his temper and created an all-out jock war that she would undoubtedly blame on herself. “But I don’t think you get to say how she feels. Or how I feel. So, maybe back off.”

Luke began to protest, but Charlie cut him short.

“Now, back off,” he repeated, looking around the table. “All you guys.”

“Or what?” challenged Diego.

Charlie pursed his lips. He was strong, but he knew he couldn’t take both Diego and Luke in any sort of physical confrontation. Fortunately, Charlie was spared making any decision when Clay came over screaming and threw a punch at Luke.

Charlie watched in shock as Diego tackled Clay to the floor and quickly wrapped his arms around a shocked Estella to protect her. Charlie felt her shaking - though perhaps it was him - and he pulled her back out of the fight.

These were the people he led as captain? These were the guys that he aligned himself with instead of Alex?

***

Alex knew he made a mistake the second he pulled back.

The end of his and Zach’s “hang out” couldn’t have come soon enough. He was sitting on the roof ledge outside of his bedroom window, staring at the empty street. Memories from earlier that night ran through his mind.

_ -Flashback- _

_ “Wow, uh …” _

_ “Wait, shit,” he panicked. “I’m so sorry.” _

_ “No! Alex, no, seriously man. Look … I don’t … Uh, I mean, I’m not into guys. Girls, I -” _

_ “I know.” He couldn’t even look at Zach. What was he thinking? You don’t experiment on your best friend. Not someone who means something to you and you might risk losing. _

_ “Listen, man, I, um ... you know that I care about you, right?” said Zach. “No matter what. Always. You hearing me?” _

_ “Yeah,” Alex exhaled. “Yeah, I should go.” _

_ “No! Come on. We’re hanging out tonight. Seriously.” _

_ -End Flashback- _

Which brought him to the present moment. Alex experienced many low moments. More than someone his age - arguably, anyone - should experience, but in that moment, he somehow felt like he hit his lowest point.

He kissed Zach.

Sure, something was building these last few weeks. Not so much with Zach, but just in general. He felt it - or something adjacent to it - the night of Justin’s homecoming when Charlie kept trying to make him feel at ease. At the time, he thought it was fondness for his then-friend, but now he was wondering if that was just wishful thinking.

He wasn’t ashamed of these feelings - or at the moment, his confusion - but it did turn everything on its head. He only knew what it felt like to have attraction for girls. Never could he have predicted thinking those same thoughts for guys. Least of all, a guy who was a  _ star quarterback _ .

Except Charlie wasn’t like the other football guys, and that’s what made him dangerous. Charlie would be easy to fall for and he would be too nice when he gently breaks Alex’s heart into a million pieces. He was too good. Certainly too good for him, as far as Alex was concerned.

For once, Alex wants nothing more than to talk to someone about his thoughts, but there wasn’t anyone. Sure, Jessica calls on him in a pinch, but that’s not how he treats their friendship and in that moment, she’s more his ex-girlfriend than a friend as far as the topic is concerned. He couldn’t talk to Zach for obvious reasons, but also because he was likely fucking around or passed out somewhere. Maybe he could talk to Tyler, but … was Alex ready to share an unknown, unexplored piece of himself? He knew the truth in his heart of hearts, though.

Alex wanted to talk to Charlie.

He wanted to talk to Charlie because he missed the other boy and he knew that even though Charlie might not understand, he would offer a kind or helpful word and that in itself could make all the difference. Also, if he was honest, Charlie was part of it all. Alex wouldn’t have kissed Zach if he hadn’t held these thoughts about Charlie, and also guys, somewhere in his subconscious. One affected the other.

Alex pulled out his phone, staring at the black screen for a prolonged moment.

Then, he unlocked it and started typing.

***

Charlie was half asleep when he heard his phone buzz beside him. Groaning, he rolled over to check who would text so late and immediately sat up when he saw it was Alex.

His hands trembling with anticipation, Charlie unlocked his phone and opened the text.

**Hopefully I'm not waking you. I hope your first day back went okay. Heard things got intense with the football team.**

Charlie blinked several times, taken aback by the seemingly random message. It wasn’t in Alex’s nature to do anything unintentionally, though. Sitting up straighter, Charlie began to craft a response.

_ Yeah, it got pretty ugly. Not sure what Clay was thinking about taking on Diego and Luke. Did save me from doing it myself. _

**Wait, what?**

_ They were acting like dicks about the whole Monty tribute. Honestly not worth getting into. _

Charlie sent that message, then grunted when he realized how dismissive it sounded. So, he wrote something that he wasn’t sure whether or not he would come to regret later.

_ I’m really tired of all the bullshit. I’m not sure how I didn’t see it sooner. _

Suddenly, his phone was buzzing consistently and he stared as Alex’s name appeared on the screen. Apprehensively, he answered and put it on speaker.

“Hello?”

_ Hey, are you okay? _

“Yeah? I’m okay … why? Are you okay?”

He heard Alex exhale on the other end and furrowed his brow in confusion.

_ Yeah, I-I’m … sorry, you just said you were tired of it all, and I was worried … _

Then it hit Charlie.

“Shit, Alex, I’m sorry. That was terrible phrasing, especially in a text.” He paused for a beat. “It means a lot that you called.”

There was silence on the other line, so Charlie took the time to listen to Alex’s breathing. It strangely grounded him. He wondered if Alex felt the same. Then, Alex spoke again.

_ How was the rest of your break? _

Charlie swallowed. Alex posed the question quietly, but it still reverberated in his ears.

The rest of the break was miserable, if he was honest. He felt lonely and could only blame himself for that reality. Sure, he and his father celebrated Christmas Eve and Christmas at Mass and then with a few extended relatives, but his father was subdued. There is always that unspoken thing between the two of them, and it was Charlie’s mother. The one who’d go above and beyond every Christmas to make it magical, even on her last one when she realized that she wouldn’t be able to celebrate any future holidays with her family.

“Uneventful,” he replied. That wasn’t a lie. “I weirdly couldn’t wait for school to start. Now, I’m not so sure. How was having Peter home?”

_ Yeah, I get that. It was good - he and dad talked football _ . Charlie heard Alex snort, and he smiled.  _ He’d be all over you if you met. Couldn’t stop talking about Liberty’s defense and I can only pretend to listen for so long _ .

Charlie chuckled, unsure how to respond otherwise. Alex seemed to realize his discomfort as well because he sighed.

_ I’m really sorry _ .

“For what?” asked Charlie, taken aback.

_ For brushing you off after the party. It wasn’t right _ .

“Why did you?” asked Charlie, hoping there was no malice in his voice.

Alex cleared his throat.

_ We travel in different circles, Charles. Hanging out was … more fun than I thought it would be, but I don’t expect that to change how we are back at school _ .

“It could,” he said, weakly. He hated the way it seemed so easy for Alex to push aside all the time they spent together over break. To act like they were nothing to each other when the others were around them.

“Look,” Charlie continued. “I know what I said about expectations in the car, but I regretted it as soon as I said it. Maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not, but what I know is that our friendship is more important to me than spending time listening to all the shit the football guys say.”

Alex was silent on the other end of the line. Finally, he responded.

_ Things should stay as they are, Charles. It’s for the best. I just don’t want any hostility between us. Liberty is shitty enough without feeling like you hate me _ .

“I couldn’t,” he insisted, fervently. “Ever.”

_ I should probably get to sleep _ .

“Yeah, me too,” he replied, quickly, though he would willingly speak for hours to Alex. “Goodnight, Alex. Thanks for calling. It was good to hear your voice.”

He swore if it were possible, he could hear Alex fighting back a smile through the phone. That was likely wishful thinking, though.

“Goodnight, Charles.”

***

As Alex hung up, he pursed his lips, but the smile crept onto his face anyway. Charlie just had that effect on people whether he knew it or not.

So, they didn’t talk for the reason Alex originally intended, but it was probably for the best. He needed to figure things out for himself first, and he couldn’t do that with Charlie.

The question remained … with who, then?

***

Why he decided to listen to Zach and attend the “Find Your Drink” party, Alex would never know. As expected, Zach fucked off into the night and Alex was left wishing he was quite frankly anywhere but in that house with those actors. That’s all his classmates were - they acted like the party would help them “find themselves” before college when in actuality, it would only prove what was already obvious - they’re scared shitless and needed alcohol to assuage their fears.

That’s how he found himself in a side room watching  _ It’s A Wonderful Life _ . Despite the fact that it was anything but that.

“Hey.”

Alex turned in surprise, recognizing the voice immediately. How could he not? He spent enough hours listening to him talk over break and even though they weren’t “friends on main” so-to-speak, Alex still considered him one, especially after the camping trip. Alex knew Charlie felt similarly, too, which still baffled him.

“You uh, made it,” added Charlie, with a grin. “What are you doing in here?”

“I’m hiding,” replied Alex, with a chuckle. “I’m not really sure why I came.”

Though if he was honest with himself, part of it was hoping for that exact circumstance. He watched as Charlie closed the curtain, giving them more privacy.

“Yeah, I hear you,” said Charlie. “Uh … do you want a cookie?”

“You seriously brought cookies to a ‘Find Your Drink’ party?”

“Well, these are special cookies,” said Charlie, moving to sit on the sofa beside him.

“Oh, shit,” said Alex. Partially because he understood what Charlie meant, but also because he was realizing they were hanging out for real for the first time since the camping trip after everyone went to sleep. “I didn’t know you were a stoner.”

“I prefer the term ‘cannabisseur.’”

“These are actually really good cookies, and they don’t stink. You’re like a baker or something.”

“I, uh, had to learn how.” That got Alex’s attention. “My mom died when I was 13.”

Alex’s heart dropped to the pit of his stomach and he felt a chill.

“So, uh, me and my dad, we had to figure it all out,” continued Charlie.

“Oh, shit. I’m sorry,” he said. He wished he could say something more meaningful. Something that didn’t sound trite or expected, but he was at a loss.

“It’s all good. I, uh, actually learned how to make these to help my mom through chemo.”

“Oh, man, Charlie. I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah, no, it’s fine,” said Charlie before backtracking. “I mean, it’s not fine, but it’s fine that it’s not fine, if … that makes sense.”

“Yeah, no, it totally does,” said Alex, the weight of Charlie’s words settling on him. “I wish I could be fine with not being fine.”

“You will be. Someday.”

Alex could feel the younger boy’s eyes on him and desperately sought to defuse the tension. So, he did the only thing he knew how to do - insert self-deprecating humor.

“Wow, you and me do not know how to party.” Charlie snickered.

“Or do we, and everyone else has it wrong?”

***

It was hours before the effects of the cookies wore off him. Meanwhile, Charlie was already sober from not overdoing it with multiple ones like him. Still, the quarterback stayed by his side and offered to give him a ride home when Alex said that Zach was supposed to be his ride.

Now, they were sitting on Alex’s front lawn - or in Alex’s case, he was spread eagle on the lawn while Charlie chuckled beside him - staring at the night sky. Suddenly, Alex shot up, ignoring the head rush.

“What’s wrong?” asked Charlie, quickly. “Do you feel sick?”

“Yeah, but not like that,” groaned Alex. “Fuck, Charles, I should’ve realized sooner about your mother. The signs were there - the movie that upset you, the drunk truth or dare … where you said she was the last person you told you love. Shit, that was what? Almost four years ago?”

“Yeah,” said Charlie, looking off somewhere. “I didn’t think you’d remember that.”

“I didn’t until now. I was such a shitty friend -”

“Don’t do that,” said Charlie, sternly. Alex looked at him. “You would’ve known if I was ready to share it with you. I wasn’t opposed to it either; not entirely. I wasn’t ready to become that kid, though. People look at you differently once they know, and although I was sure you wouldn’t …”

“I get it,” he said, lying back down. “Some scars are easier to hide than others, but it doesn’t make them any less painful.”

He subconsciously touched where he knew his scar was hidden underneath his hair. Then he had another equally, if not more, awful thought.

“I fucking pushed you away before Christmas.” He looked sideways at Charlie and saw the boy smiling sadly at him.

“I’m not sure what you want me to say, Alex,” said Charlie, though not unkindly. “The holidays are always lousy, but I can’t dwell on it. She wouldn’t want that for me.”

“When I asked how it was, you said it was uneventful.”

“That wasn’t a lie. I haven’t come to terms with whether that’s a good or bad thing. Sometimes I wish my father would throw a dish or wreck the house or something. Something to show some emotion.”

“Speaking as someone who’s done his fair share of wrecking, I don’t recommend it.” Alex exhaled, looking at the stars and wishing he could become them.

They were silent for several minutes - or maybe it was seconds, Alex couldn’t be sure - until he said:

“I’m glad that  Charles Hayden Brixton  St .  George is nobody’s puppet.”

He could feel Charlie’s gaze on him, so he turned his head to make direct eye contact. Charlie was clearly fighting back a smile.

“Likewise.” Charlie then stood and offered him a hand, which Alex reluctantly accepted. “And on that note, you should go to bed. Sleep it off.”

“Right,” said Alex. “Thanks again for the ride. You’ll text me once you’re home?”

“I will,” promised Charlie, with a smile. “Goodnight, Alex.”

“Goodnight, Charles.”

***

Despite his low expectations, the night was a turning point for Charlie’s relationship with Alex. He was certain of it. He opened up to the senior and Alex did some opening up in return. More than anything, it made Charlie realize how strong his feelings were for Alex.

It also made him recognize that he couldn’t hide these feelings forever. He needed to act on them and then Alex could either reciprocate or set him free, and then they might have an actual chance of a successful friendship.

Still, after tonight and after learning not too long ago about Alex’s relationship of sorts with Winston, Charlie felt optimistic. When he learned about the nature of Alex and Winston’s “relationship” during the senior camping trip, he couldn’t believe that yet another person was given the gift of Alex Standall’s heart and decided to hit the puree button. It was just unimaginable for Charlie, who wanted Alex’s affection more and more with each passing day that he spent remotely in his presence. More so when they talked that night on the camping trip when Alex confessed he hoped things would get better after high school. It was in that moment when Charlie realized he wanted to always stay next to Alex to make sure things did improve.

Things were changing rapidly for them. Alex was exploring things. It didn’t mean Alex would necessarily ever see him as more than his friend, but the chance of a romantic relationship seemed more attainable than ever before.

As Charlie felt himself drifting to sleep later that night, he knew one thing with certainty.

Perhaps Winston and all of the others were foolish enough to hurt Alex, but he wouldn’t dream of it.

Above all else, Alex needed to know that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm quite happy with the final chapter (and the whole story)! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, and a great big thank you to those of you who left kudos and comments! Let me know what you think of the ending.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it! One thing I wanted to hint at was Alex's normalized expectations of Charlie's family since he didn't find out about Charlie's mom's death until the 'Find Your Drink' party. It seemed like one of those things where it would 'almost come up' naturally, but they weren't that close so Charlie would take a step back. I kind of built it off how apologetic Alex was, but not so much in just a sympathetic way, but like someone who realized he made past assumptions and suddenly, memories started to click and he understood them better than at the time.
> 
> Enough of my rambling! Kudos and comments are appreciated.
> 
> I'm also contemplating doing a second part, but telling the same story through Charlie's POV. Let me know if you'd like that!


End file.
